Surprised? No.

I used to be utterly shocked, disgusted, and bewildered when I heard of stories where mothers kill their children. I would think, "How could someone do that?"

I no longer wonder. I no longer find myself disgusted but saddened by it.

These women obviously needed help.

I feel that I have gotten to that point and the difficulty in finding someone to help you...well... it leaves me speechless. I am able to recognize my need. I have family that I know I can talk to who will take my kids if I ever get to the point that I need a break. I have a husband who loves me enough and knows that if I am asking for help, I really mean it.

Finding help is nearly impossible.

I went into my insurance web page and called the 4 places that say they cover. The first place gave me 4 different numbers to call. One of the numbers finally got me to someone who told me that I have to pay for services up front and then deal with my insurance to be reimbursed.

I called all of the other places only to find out that no one answers their phones, there are no secretaries, or no one is taking new patients.

When you are depressed and overwhelmed... there is no motivation to keep trying. Duh. Why would getting some type of mental health help be so difficult? I have a cold? I can call up a new doctor and get in the next day. My life or my childrens' lives could be in danger and nada. Nothing. No help here.

Matt called and called and finally found the golden list of the handful of doctors that are taking new patients. He got me an appointment and... lo and behold... she isn't in our network. I don't need to add the guilt of putting us further in the poor house cause I'm sick in the head. I know, I know, Matt made the same reference you are probably thinking. If one of us had cancer, we wouldn't just ignore it because of the bills, we'd face it, treat it, and do what we needed to do. I'm irrational though. That's just where I am right now.

So, I tried calling this Doctor to let her know that I needed to cancel and I couldn't find her number. Anywhere. What the hell?! Is she even a real doctor?! Matt got the number for me, I called her, got her voice mail and left her a message. I then proceeded to call 9 other numbers trying to get an appointment. Not one live person. Not one secretary. And no call backs. Not one. All day.

You know who called me back? The lady with whom I cancelled and she tried to talk me into seeing her. Apparently I can get a good deal, blah blah blah. So what the hell am I supposed to do? I guess I end up going to the lady that isn't in my network because I can't find anyone who will call me back.

Or maybe just go commit myself but then what do I do with my kids? And how do we pay for it? The University Hospital is the fist place everyone wants to put me and our insurance won't pay there.

They are the only burn clinic in Utah and no one would see Linus for his burns. But our insurance still won't fucking pay. It's infuriating!!

So, I now understand why moms kill their babies sometimes. They can't deal, they can't get help, there is no help to be had, and they break.

I'm not saying I am going to kill my babies. But I sure as hell want to smack them sometimes and then we all end up crying all day long because I am so frustrated, I don't know how to control my rage, my anger, my sadness, my hopelessness, and then the guilt that ensues is gut wrenching and sinks me further.

I do, however, have friends and family who would, in my darkest hour, not even hesitate to help if I needed them. I do have a husband who, even though this shit is killing him as well, will go to the ends of the earth to help me.

I am lucky.

Others are not and their children never live to see tomorrow.